That's why I end up putting the lantern on. Because of that.
[ Because he'd rather kill a train full of people than let the whole city perish. He'd rather take the pain on himself, the suffering, the torment, than let anyone else suffer.]
[ She's not the only one. He looks up, startled, and blinks a few times before the words actually come. ]
Why?
[ It's not that he doesn't believe that she's a good enough person, a kind enough person, to offer. It's that he doesn't understand why he'd deserve that. Why she would trust those kind of lessons in his hands, after everything he's said. ]
[ He nods in answer to that. He can understand that. To be fair, a lot of the things he'd done since waking up were because the Lieutenant wasn't there to do them. And he'd told people who thanked him the same thing. ]
[ dutch is almost always in it for her own gratification. she's already noticed that he's utterly selfless in bed, but she's not quite willing or able to return that selflessness to the same or even a similar degree.
so she just shrugs. ]
You could eat me out. [ casual as all that. it'd make her feel good. ] C'mere.
[ if she was a little more careful, she might realise that this isn't entirely how it should be. there's nothing actively coercive about this, but his consent isn't exactly enthusiastic, either.
she's not more careful, though. so she just shrugs. ] Maybe.
[ and when he comes closer, she leans in to kiss him, not moving from her chair but spreading her legs to make space for the bulk of him between them, hands framing his face. it's a dirty kiss. one that tastes of liquor, too. ]
[ This isn't how it should be, but she's not really doing anything he would consider wrong. Sex to him has never been about love. Sex has been about sensation, about give and take, about food on the table and a roof over your head. It's been about something warm, something that felt good, when in the deepest, darkest pits of cold and dark and bad. Sex is a mechanical thing to him, because he can't imagine anything else for someone like him. He wants her because she enjoys it, but he still wants to give it to her whole-heartedly.
Something is broken here, but it's more complicated than it isn't.
Regardless, regardless of all that, he'll put his arms loosely around her and kiss her back, skillfull and attentive if not passionate, intense if not dirty. He doesn't mind the taste of liquor, even if he doesn't drink it himself. That has nothing to do with thinking it's a bad thing and everything to do with wanting to avoid making the nightmares worse. ]
[ sex is -- sex is a way to feel good. it's no more and no less than that and dutch doesn't expect love or anything beyond sex for herself. generally, she even tries not to sleep with anyone she cares about because that just gets -- messy.
but sex is something she likes. a lot. so she's in it for the pleasure. mostly her own, with that of her partners secondary, but it's never entirely irrelevant.
the kiss is good, though. she sighs into it, pulling him a little closer, deepening it. ]
[ There's pleasure in kissing. He likes knowing she's enjoying herself, enjoys the pure physical act of it himself, the way it makes him react. He also likes holding her, even if it's just like this. He likes the reminder that she's real, that she's there, that for whatever reason, she knows what he can do and she wants to be around him.
He likes Dutch a lot, honestly. He also likes kissing her. A lot.]
[ whatever he's done -- dutch has done worse. that's the truth of it. there's a monster inside her and she's a weapon. it doesn't take turning on a lantern to make the monster come out.
so she has no right to judge him.
but that's not what she wants to be thinking of right now. she doesn't want to be thinking about anything at all, so she loses herself in the kiss, searching for one of his hands to drag it up her body, to press it against one of her breasts. above her shirt, sure, but the implication should be clear. she wants more than just kissing. ]
[ He doesn't make her wait, gives her breast a squeeze before slipping down and getting under the shirt, seeking out the same spot against warm skin as they kiss. ]
[ he's good at that. at figuring out what she wants and giving it to her. she arches her back a little, pressing against his broad hand. at the same time, she crosses her ankles behind his back and uses her legs to pull him even closer. ]
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That's why I end up putting the lantern on. Because of that.
[ Because he'd rather kill a train full of people than let the whole city perish. He'd rather take the pain on himself, the suffering, the torment, than let anyone else suffer.]
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[ if it was just him suffering, well. but he obviously hates the thought of killing others and the lantern is making him do that. ]
I'll teach you how.
[ if dutch looks surprised at her own offer, that's because she is. ]
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Why?
[ It's not that he doesn't believe that she's a good enough person, a kind enough person, to offer. It's that he doesn't understand why he'd deserve that. Why she would trust those kind of lessons in his hands, after everything he's said. ]
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[ but that's not entirely true, is it? and after everything, maybe randel deserves an actual answer. ]
There's someone I know. He's in stasis now. He'd help you, no questions asked. So you have him to thank, I guess.
[ johnny, with his stupid big heart. ]
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Then I'll thank them when I can.
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[ abruptly, dutch is done talking about this. done talking at all, maybe. she takes another long sip of whiskey. ]
Fancy a shag?
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I want to make you feel good.
[ Is the truth. He's rarely in the mood for sex for his own gratification. But if he can make her feel good, he'd enjoy that. ]
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so she just shrugs. ]
You could eat me out. [ casual as all that. it'd make her feel good. ] C'mere.
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[ He shrugs. ]
I could get hard if you want that too.
[ His body has been nothing but a tool for him to ride in for a long time, honestly.
But he goes where she directs him. ]
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she's not more careful, though. so she just shrugs. ] Maybe.
[ and when he comes closer, she leans in to kiss him, not moving from her chair but spreading her legs to make space for the bulk of him between them, hands framing his face. it's a dirty kiss. one that tastes of liquor, too. ]
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Something is broken here, but it's more complicated than it isn't.
Regardless, regardless of all that, he'll put his arms loosely around her and kiss her back, skillfull and attentive if not passionate, intense if not dirty. He doesn't mind the taste of liquor, even if he doesn't drink it himself. That has nothing to do with thinking it's a bad thing and everything to do with wanting to avoid making the nightmares worse. ]
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but sex is something she likes. a lot. so she's in it for the pleasure. mostly her own, with that of her partners secondary, but it's never entirely irrelevant.
the kiss is good, though. she sighs into it, pulling him a little closer, deepening it. ]
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He likes Dutch a lot, honestly. He also likes kissing her. A lot.]
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so she has no right to judge him.
but that's not what she wants to be thinking of right now. she doesn't want to be thinking about anything at all, so she loses herself in the kiss, searching for one of his hands to drag it up her body, to press it against one of her breasts. above her shirt, sure, but the implication should be clear. she wants more than just kissing. ]
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