[ he doesn't pull his hand away or lace his fingers through hers, like his instincts suggest. he simply lets her hold it, deferring to dutch on the nature of their relationship (as ever). ]
So I've heard. [ said in acknowledgment, not a hint of cheek to be found. ] I had someone who would've torn me a new arsehole over it, too, and 'cause he ain't awake, I'm imagining everything he might've said to me myself.
[ he thought of harry in the first days, when he'd accidentally reach for the coffee pot with the wrong hand. and when he'd awaken to pain in the night, only to wander into the empty kitchen where he once could find his mentor, pouring over notes.
the imagined arguments are worse than it would have been. he knows that, but it's hard to feel it. ]
[ dutch could let go. she doesn’t. she’s not great at sympathy, but for a moment, she squeezes his palm. then she keeps holding on while she reaches for her drink again.
it takes some of the edge off, at least. ]
I saw my best friend die. [ she shrugs, like it doesn’t matter. like she isn’t still reeling. if johnny was awake, this wouldn’t be so bad. ] Hallucinated it. [ a beat. there’s a point; she’s not just sharing for the sake of it. ] Reality’s not as bad as that, sometimes.
[ she won’t say she’s only calling him stupid because she gives a shit, but — if it’s true for dutch, it’s got to be true for whoever he’s thinking of. ]
[ he doesn't look at her, but he gives into the urge to clasp her hand more firmly. dutch goes on to mention her best friend, and he feels glad for pre-empting that confession. no, reality isn't as bad, indeed.
if he had seen roxy die, even in a hallucination, he would be inconsolable. when she returned to stasis, he drank himself into a stupor and had to be rescued from himself by bellamy. that is to say — it means something for dutch to share that information with him. ]
Yeah. [ she might be right about that. ] That fucking sucks. [ in lieu of offering an i'm sorry. ] You check on him in stasis?
[ when johnny had gone back into stasis, she’d drunk herself into a stupor, fucked anyone who’d let her (including eggsy, not that she’s told him that was what that had been about) and fought too much.
he’s still there. in stasis. alive but unmoving.
she doesn’t want eggsy’s pity, but she doesn’t draw her hand away either. ]
[ he nods. it must only be a small comfort, after what she saw. ]
My best mate's under, too. She went back a few months ago.
[ so he understands, as much as anyone can, with all their diverging relationships. he uses his free hand to down his glass, face scrunching up after. still not a pro whiskey drinker, it seems. ]
Mh. [ dutch hums, non-comittally. it's that or say something along the lines of and why should i care? — it's the reaction khlyen would expect of her. she shouldn't care, at least not if khlyen has any say about it. he doesn't, of course. she ran away from him for a reason. she chose freedom and johnny over a life of killing for khlyen. over a life without a heart and a soul.
but it's hard remembering that when johnny's gone.
still, eggsy's hand is warm against hers and it's a comfort and maybe, maybe she's just tired. maybe she's tired of fighting herself all the time. she empties the rest of her drink. ]
You're a wimp. [ she says. about the scrunched-up face, not his best mate's being under. and then she tips her body to the side a little until she's leaning against his shoulder. not quite his arm, she's mindful enough of that. ]
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no subject
So I've heard. [ said in acknowledgment, not a hint of cheek to be found. ] I had someone who would've torn me a new arsehole over it, too, and 'cause he ain't awake, I'm imagining everything he might've said to me myself.
[ he thought of harry in the first days, when he'd accidentally reach for the coffee pot with the wrong hand. and when he'd awaken to pain in the night, only to wander into the empty kitchen where he once could find his mentor, pouring over notes.
the imagined arguments are worse than it would have been. he knows that, but it's hard to feel it. ]
no subject
it takes some of the edge off, at least. ]
I saw my best friend die. [ she shrugs, like it doesn’t matter. like she isn’t still reeling. if johnny was awake, this wouldn’t be so bad. ] Hallucinated it. [ a beat. there’s a point; she’s not just sharing for the sake of it. ] Reality’s not as bad as that, sometimes.
[ she won’t say she’s only calling him stupid because she gives a shit, but — if it’s true for dutch, it’s got to be true for whoever he’s thinking of. ]
no subject
if he had seen roxy die, even in a hallucination, he would be inconsolable. when she returned to stasis, he drank himself into a stupor and had to be rescued from himself by bellamy. that is to say — it means something for dutch to share that information with him. ]
Yeah. [ she might be right about that. ] That fucking sucks. [ in lieu of offering an i'm sorry. ] You check on him in stasis?
[ of course she did. ]
no subject
he’s still there. in stasis. alive but unmoving.
she doesn’t want eggsy’s pity, but she doesn’t draw her hand away either. ]
He’s still there.
no subject
My best mate's under, too. She went back a few months ago.
[ so he understands, as much as anyone can, with all their diverging relationships. he uses his free hand to down his glass, face scrunching up after. still not a pro whiskey drinker, it seems. ]
no subject
but it's hard remembering that when johnny's gone.
still, eggsy's hand is warm against hers and it's a comfort and maybe, maybe she's just tired. maybe she's tired of fighting herself all the time. she empties the rest of her drink. ]
You're a wimp. [ she says. about the scrunched-up face, not his best mate's being under. and then she tips her body to the side a little until she's leaning against his shoulder. not quite his arm, she's mindful enough of that. ]