[ for the longest time, those had been dutch's choices, too: kill or be killed. she'd always made the same choice he has, to kill. she doesn't want to die. even when she was sobbing and begging khlyen not to make her do it, eight years old and already with blood on her hands, even when she'd had literal blood on her hands, her own and that of others, she'd never wanted to die.
what she'd wanted was to escape. to be free.
(she doesn't hate khlyen anymore, and that makes everything more complicated, but those issues have no relevance here, no relation to randel looking up at her like maybe she has answers.
or like he'd let her kill him. she's not sure which one she's less comfortable with.) ]
Sure. You turn it on and then what? You can't control it. That's what you said. Still true?
[ it's a killswitch, like in d'avin's brain. whether he made the choice to flip it or someone else did — well, it makes a difference, but why he'd flipped it on matters, too. ]
[ His fingers clench tight, his hands will be sore later; he's still sore from his injuries on the beach. After all, the pirates had gotten a few shots in. He's stitched himself up, well used to the practice, and the pain is a dull ache. He won't bleed through the bandages; he knows how to make them thick enough. She probably won't even know unless she gets close enough to smell it past everything else. ]
I turn it on. I know what I can do when it's on. I know the danger.
I used to-
[ He'd saved Maches, once upon a time. Pulled him away from the death that had barrelled right at him, held him and ensured that only the lightest scratch had even touched him as a tank-like truck had skewered through his legs. He'd been able to direct it then. Now- ]
[ that's the alternative, isn't it? to stop. but somehow, she thinks he'll argue against that, too, and she lifts a hand to preempt that, brows pulled together and jaw working. she doesn't understand this, whatever the lantern is. she doesn't know how it works. ]
[ dutch takes another sip of her whiskey, mostly because it gives her an excuse to look away from him, too. from the fear in the slope of his shoulders, from the way his head is bowed just so, how he's looking away. ]
So it was kill or let someone be killed.
[ the answer he is looking for is clearly not "he probably had it coming", but it's on the tip of dutch's tongue regardless. not helpful. she swallows it down with the whiskey. ]
[ Another question he wants to answer with 'yes'. Another question he isn't sure he can say 'yes' to. ]
I'm a coward. Without it, I don't-
I-
I've never hurt anyone. Without-
[ Without the voice. Not without the lantern, because back at home, there'd been no lantern. He hadn't turned it on. But the voice had taken over at one point, had told him to kill and he'd nearly done it. He'd almost killed that man just trying to knock him out. And then Ursula-]
I don't know. I'm useless without it.
I tried to do it by myself once. But it took over anyway.
So you can't control it, and you don't know how to fight without it.
[ doomed if he does and doomed if he doesn't. but for a moment, at least, dutch feels like she's on solid ground. like she knows what she's talking about. ]
[ there's a part of dutch — a part that sounds a great deal like khlyen — that thinks him weaker for the tears. that claims this isn't her problem and there's no reason for her to try and help. that if he cannot handle this, he deserves to lose himself or die, whichever comes first.
there's a part that sounds like johnny more than khlyen that knows all of that is bullshit. she still looks away from his tears. she's not johnny who can find the right words to make it better. ]
Hearing it's not the same, is it? If you know how to fight without it, you won't need it anymore.
[ He's quiet for a moment, longer than a moment, his head drooping down until it almost seems like he's just shut down like a machine turned off. Finally, though- ]
I'm a coward. Do you know how to teach me not to be a coward?
[ dutch stands. shrugs. takes some steps away from him and then back, not quite pacing but doing a good impression of it. ]
So am I. [ of never being good enough for khlyen. of disappointing him even though he's dead. of losing johnny and d'avin and pree. of being too cold to feel the pain that should come with killing or with loss. of not being cold enough.
of all that and a million more things. ] I fight anyway.
[ The idea isn't revolutionary to him, of course. He watches the Lieutenant all the time, and he knows that she's afraid more often than not, because she's told him. Afraid of all sorts of things. But she still does it, just like Dutch does. But he doesn't know how. ]
That's why I end up putting the lantern on. Because of that.
[ Because he'd rather kill a train full of people than let the whole city perish. He'd rather take the pain on himself, the suffering, the torment, than let anyone else suffer.]
[ She's not the only one. He looks up, startled, and blinks a few times before the words actually come. ]
Why?
[ It's not that he doesn't believe that she's a good enough person, a kind enough person, to offer. It's that he doesn't understand why he'd deserve that. Why she would trust those kind of lessons in his hands, after everything he's said. ]
[ He nods in answer to that. He can understand that. To be fair, a lot of the things he'd done since waking up were because the Lieutenant wasn't there to do them. And he'd told people who thanked him the same thing. ]
[ dutch is almost always in it for her own gratification. she's already noticed that he's utterly selfless in bed, but she's not quite willing or able to return that selflessness to the same or even a similar degree.
so she just shrugs. ]
You could eat me out. [ casual as all that. it'd make her feel good. ] C'mere.
[ if she was a little more careful, she might realise that this isn't entirely how it should be. there's nothing actively coercive about this, but his consent isn't exactly enthusiastic, either.
she's not more careful, though. so she just shrugs. ] Maybe.
[ and when he comes closer, she leans in to kiss him, not moving from her chair but spreading her legs to make space for the bulk of him between them, hands framing his face. it's a dirty kiss. one that tastes of liquor, too. ]
[ This isn't how it should be, but she's not really doing anything he would consider wrong. Sex to him has never been about love. Sex has been about sensation, about give and take, about food on the table and a roof over your head. It's been about something warm, something that felt good, when in the deepest, darkest pits of cold and dark and bad. Sex is a mechanical thing to him, because he can't imagine anything else for someone like him. He wants her because she enjoys it, but he still wants to give it to her whole-heartedly.
Something is broken here, but it's more complicated than it isn't.
Regardless, regardless of all that, he'll put his arms loosely around her and kiss her back, skillfull and attentive if not passionate, intense if not dirty. He doesn't mind the taste of liquor, even if he doesn't drink it himself. That has nothing to do with thinking it's a bad thing and everything to do with wanting to avoid making the nightmares worse. ]
[ sex is -- sex is a way to feel good. it's no more and no less than that and dutch doesn't expect love or anything beyond sex for herself. generally, she even tries not to sleep with anyone she cares about because that just gets -- messy.
but sex is something she likes. a lot. so she's in it for the pleasure. mostly her own, with that of her partners secondary, but it's never entirely irrelevant.
the kiss is good, though. she sighs into it, pulling him a little closer, deepening it. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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what she'd wanted was to escape. to be free.
(she doesn't hate khlyen anymore, and that makes everything more complicated, but those issues have no relevance here, no relation to randel looking up at her like maybe she has answers.
or like he'd let her kill him. she's not sure which one she's less comfortable with.) ]
Sure. You turn it on and then what? You can't control it. That's what you said. Still true?
[ it's a killswitch, like in d'avin's brain. whether he made the choice to flip it or someone else did — well, it makes a difference, but why he'd flipped it on matters, too. ]
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I turn it on. I know what I can do when it's on. I know the danger.
I used to-
[ He'd saved Maches, once upon a time. Pulled him away from the death that had barrelled right at him, held him and ensured that only the lightest scratch had even touched him as a tank-like truck had skewered through his legs. He'd been able to direct it then. Now- ]
It's getting worse.
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[ that's the alternative, isn't it? to stop. but somehow, she thinks he'll argue against that, too, and she lifts a hand to preempt that, brows pulled together and jaw working. she doesn't understand this, whatever the lantern is. she doesn't know how it works. ]
Why do you need it?
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They were going to kill him. There was so much blood. I had to do something.
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So it was kill or let someone be killed.
[ the answer he is looking for is clearly not "he probably had it coming", but it's on the tip of dutch's tongue regardless. not helpful. she swallows it down with the whiskey. ]
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I'm a coward. Without it, I don't-
I-
I've never hurt anyone. Without-
[ Without the voice. Not without the lantern, because back at home, there'd been no lantern. He hadn't turned it on. But the voice had taken over at one point, had told him to kill and he'd nearly done it. He'd almost killed that man just trying to knock him out. And then Ursula-]
I don't know. I'm useless without it.
I tried to do it by myself once. But it took over anyway.
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[ doomed if he does and doomed if he doesn't. but for a moment, at least, dutch feels like she's on solid ground. like she knows what she's talking about. ]
You know, you can do something about that.
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How? Even when I tried to do without it, I still-
It's getting louder. sometimes I still hear it, even after the lantern's off.
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there's a part that sounds like johnny more than khlyen that knows all of that is bullshit. she still looks away from his tears. she's not johnny who can find the right words to make it better. ]
Hearing it's not the same, is it? If you know how to fight without it, you won't need it anymore.
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I'm a coward. Do you know how to teach me not to be a coward?
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[ dutch stands. shrugs. takes some steps away from him and then back, not quite pacing but doing a good impression of it. ]
So am I. [ of never being good enough for khlyen. of disappointing him even though he's dead. of losing johnny and d'avin and pree. of being too cold to feel the pain that should come with killing or with loss. of not being cold enough.
of all that and a million more things. ] I fight anyway.
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[ The idea isn't revolutionary to him, of course. He watches the Lieutenant all the time, and he knows that she's afraid more often than not, because she's told him. Afraid of all sorts of things. But she still does it, just like Dutch does. But he doesn't know how. ]
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[ but even dutch knows that's not an answer, so she tries again. ]
You put the fear aside and do it because you know the alternative's worse.
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That's why I end up putting the lantern on. Because of that.
[ Because he'd rather kill a train full of people than let the whole city perish. He'd rather take the pain on himself, the suffering, the torment, than let anyone else suffer.]
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[ if it was just him suffering, well. but he obviously hates the thought of killing others and the lantern is making him do that. ]
I'll teach you how.
[ if dutch looks surprised at her own offer, that's because she is. ]
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Why?
[ It's not that he doesn't believe that she's a good enough person, a kind enough person, to offer. It's that he doesn't understand why he'd deserve that. Why she would trust those kind of lessons in his hands, after everything he's said. ]
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[ but that's not entirely true, is it? and after everything, maybe randel deserves an actual answer. ]
There's someone I know. He's in stasis now. He'd help you, no questions asked. So you have him to thank, I guess.
[ johnny, with his stupid big heart. ]
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Then I'll thank them when I can.
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[ abruptly, dutch is done talking about this. done talking at all, maybe. she takes another long sip of whiskey. ]
Fancy a shag?
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I want to make you feel good.
[ Is the truth. He's rarely in the mood for sex for his own gratification. But if he can make her feel good, he'd enjoy that. ]
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so she just shrugs. ]
You could eat me out. [ casual as all that. it'd make her feel good. ] C'mere.
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[ He shrugs. ]
I could get hard if you want that too.
[ His body has been nothing but a tool for him to ride in for a long time, honestly.
But he goes where she directs him. ]
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she's not more careful, though. so she just shrugs. ] Maybe.
[ and when he comes closer, she leans in to kiss him, not moving from her chair but spreading her legs to make space for the bulk of him between them, hands framing his face. it's a dirty kiss. one that tastes of liquor, too. ]
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Something is broken here, but it's more complicated than it isn't.
Regardless, regardless of all that, he'll put his arms loosely around her and kiss her back, skillfull and attentive if not passionate, intense if not dirty. He doesn't mind the taste of liquor, even if he doesn't drink it himself. That has nothing to do with thinking it's a bad thing and everything to do with wanting to avoid making the nightmares worse. ]
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but sex is something she likes. a lot. so she's in it for the pleasure. mostly her own, with that of her partners secondary, but it's never entirely irrelevant.
the kiss is good, though. she sighs into it, pulling him a little closer, deepening it. ]
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